That Time I Asked for What I Needed and it Became a Whole Thing
I did try, I did. It didn’t make a difference.
The time: The curdled window between when I knew this marriage had to end and my letting my spouse know.
The feeling: Intense helplessness, sadness, frustration, introversion, and lethargy.
The solution: A night of wallowing alone to pull through the lowest part so I could climb up the other side of the ditch back to level ground.
I came home from work, and I was just exhausted. Exhausted from putting on a false face for the many people who pass my desk every day. Exhausted with the state of our home that was in a shambles due to a flooding from our neighbor’s place. Exhausted with holding my true feelings inside first out of fear, then shame, then bad timing. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be sad that night. Nothing major, just hole up in the guest bedroom with the cat and a blanket and just be sad. I didn’t even need to cry. I just needed to be alone and be sad. What follows is an approximation of the dialogue from that evening. I wish I could say I was exaggerating for comedic effect but besides not remembering in what order the suggestions and response iterations were spoken, it’s all true.
Spouse: (Bursting into the room to find me curled in a ball on the guest bed, long-faced and fetal) Hey! You want to go grab a pizza?
Me: No, actually, I really just want to stay home tonight. I’m gonna curl up in here for a while, maybe sleep in here. You can go, though.
Spouse: Well how about sushi, then?
Me: I’m not hungry, I just kind of want to do this that I am doing right now. You go ahead, I won’t stop you.
Spouse: Well then how about a movie?
Me: No, I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to curl up right here. I’m sad.
Spouse: We could go to that bar we like.
Me: You could go do that! Go do that. I am going to stay here.