Dispatch from the War on Christmas

This reporter has been embedded with the 12th Saturnine in the forward trenches these past three years.

Modified from the San Diego Opera’s marketing materials for All Is Bright

Today: rain, such as we have not seen for many a week. The walls of our trench drip mud onto everyone, and we all resemble nothing so much as the victims of last week’s exploded cocoa factory. May the Swiss Miss Guard rest in peace. As the Red Cup forces gain ground, the Gingerbread Men have taken…