Break your own heart in three short months using this one weird trick!

When I looked at the ground, I could see the shadow of the descending boulder growing larger. At first I could pretend the small dark circle was cast by me alone, but before long I could not mistake the expanding umbra for anything but the inevitable: a boulder from the blue which would destroy me if Theo remained undecided.

There was no preventing the crush.

“Undecided” is the wrong word with a demisexual, or even with someone with avoidant attachment. Undecided makes it seem like he’s weighing the options, assessing my value, while leaving decisive me twisting in the wind. …

The Unbearable Fight/Flightness of Being

Photo by Kourosh Qaffari on Unsplash

I last wrote about Theo when we had just four one-on-one encounters under our belts. Our next was a dinner/chat/zombie movie night with two becoupled friends and him, in my house! A real party! I was an incredible spaz from the excitement of having them all over. He had been here once; they had never. My energy was through the roof and it was almost unbearable not to be able to squeeze him. I excitedly rapped on his back from behind in my reckless glee once as they toured the house.

Conversation: fun and easy…

The Saga of Theo continues.

Photo by Lucas Santos on Unsplash

If you have never dated a demiromantic/demisexual, it can be a unique challenge to those of us who experience primary attraction (allosexuals/alloromantics). After the suggestion that Theo might be one or both demi orientations, I researched all I could about it. Theo confirmed that both demi labels apply to him 98% of the time, so I will generally refer to him as “demi” for purposes of brevity. For indeed we are still…dating? Is that the word when it is chastely hanging out? …

Demogorgon or demisexual?

Photo by author

I have been doing relationships wrong my entire life; whether they were short or long, the ends never justified the means. I dated passive, avoidant, impotent/incompetent, and/or emotionally stunted men for over half my pubescent life. Unavailable Man (Homo inexpeditus) is hot as hell. Mostly he’s just hell.

How many times have I thought, he could be x if only…? I always failed to heed the sign that says “OK, but he’s not.”

What to say when they ask, “What are you looking for?”

A bold new project from the designer who brought you “Obsessed with a Breadcrumber For Four Years,” “I’ll Do For Now Until He Decides Otherwise,” and our last blockbuster seller, “Somehow I talked them into dating me but they don’t respect me enough to end it despite a total lack of interest in me.”

We’ve been tinkering away in our isolated laboratory for a year and are ready to release “Casual dater with good boundaries.” Backers will receive weekly blog posts about the project’s progress.

Once fully funded, we intend to introduce exciting stretch goal rewards depending on our backer…

Remembering the chunk of days that encompasses all our private anniversaries

The t-shirt I wore any time I saw a doctor.

For some people, it was March 11, the date the WHO described the novel coronavirus known as Covid-19 as a pandemic. Also it is the date we learned that beloved actors Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson had caught the disease. For others, their anniversary might be the last day they were at work, often March 13, or the first true “day off” when they would normally have been at work, March 15. Or for some, some day in February, when the deaths began in the US. …

Mourning someone who has not died

If I could turn back time…

Reader, I am a liberal. If you do not want to be offended by my decrying the beliefs of those who stormed the Capitol on January 6, 2021, stop reading here.

I first met my friend “Kelly” working at an insurance company. I negatively judged her at first for her appearance, and soon learned I was an asshole for doing so. …

“How are you doing?”

Art by

It began like any other OKCupid interaction: I thought he was cute, he had enough nerd cred in his profile that I knew we could converse on shared interests, so I messaged him. Some time later, he replied. We had some fandoms in common, he did art, I did writing, this and that. On and off conversation over a few weeks, and I thought I might be ready to meet in person. …

Discovering the Romance of Sheltering At Home

Photo by Florencia Viadana on Unsplash

Everyone’s experiences during 2020 were both laser-tight specific and depressingly universal. Isolated and alone, struggling to afford living, surrounded by people, but anxious and numbing and exhausting for all. The less said the better, and anyway we all know. The year 2020 will become its own proper noun, like 9/11 did.

I had established (in 2019) a habit of posting something to Medium weekly, trying different styles, topics, anything to keep the fingers moving.

And then. You know.

Retreating to the past, I wrote cards, letters, postcards, emails. Bursts of feelings; diary entries…

This reporter has been embedded with the 12th Saturnine in the forward trenches these past three years.

Modified from the San Diego Opera’s marketing materials for All Is Bright

Today: rain, such as we have not seen for many a week. The walls of our trench drip mud onto everyone, and we all resemble nothing so much as the victims of last week’s exploded cocoa factory. May the Swiss Miss Guard rest in peace. As the Red Cup forces gain ground, the Gingerbread Men have taken serious blows to both their bodies and morale. Across the tinsel-snarled neutral zone, one can just make out through the deluge the pointy green helmets of…

Karina "Cinerina"

I used to write movie reviews. I used to do a lot of things. I’m starting over on learning to be a person.

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